Day 49: White Dude Returns From Medical, Dreams, and More Death Pondering

By | May 16, 2009

by Brian A. Wilkins
5/16/2009

This day corresponds with Monday, September 8, 2008. Click here for the complete “55 Days In Maricopa County Jail” series.

Well, no bones were thrown today. Monday is usually clean towel and boxer day, but that didn’t happen. Oh well, animals can apparently live like this. When I was in line for “morning chow,” I saw that white dude who got beat down the other day. He had a cast on his right arm, a bandage above one of his eyes, and his face was totally fucked up. And the funny part of it was that he went and sat with the same guys who did this to him, and was joking and laughing with them.

I had several dreams about my childhood last night. They are nice until of course I wake up in here. I dreamed that Carrie, Sandy, Andrea, and Alison came over to my place and walked with Boo and I to Godfather’s Pizza. That was our junior high hang out. It was a fun dream. We definitely know where my mind is – ANYWHERE but here.

If I could do anything within my power in the next 14 days, what would I do? Kind of like my “Bucket List.” I would definitely want to see the ocean. The largest body of water I’ve ever seen is Lake Michigan and its the only body of water I’ve ever seen that you can’t see land on the other side. I’d probably climb ASU Mountain, just to say I climbed a mountain. I wish I could finish the novel I started in here, but this place is just not conducive to writing and I doubt I could finish in 14 days anyway. I’d try and drive through every state in the union, even though driving through the Confederacy would be like a Muslim driving through Israel, or the United States for that matter. I’d likely stop in every state I know someone and shack up with them for the night.

All I know is that in 14 days, I will feel no more pain, at least after the initial cutting. I wonder if I’ll just slowly fade to black after slicing? The comb/knife is coming along well. Would I change my mind while blood is gushing out of my wrist? No. Because all I’ll have to look forward to is this. I mean, being in here IS DEATH. I’m already used to death because I’ve lived it for almost two months (ok, that’s an oxymoron). But the freedom I’m going to get from death, I’m very much looking forward too. I just wonder what happens? I think you are just GONE. Or again, maybe your soul is free to travel the universe after being freed from this human punishment, the Biblical Hell. And no, it will not entail any Jesus’s or god’s, or any of that mess. All that stuff is for people who are afraid of death and want some sort of heads-up as far as what happens. You’re either just simply gone or your soul is freed. I’m actually looking forward to finding out.

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