by Brian A. Wilkins
1/20/09
This day corresponds with Thursday, August 21.
Thank god! The doors finally opened. Seems like it was 4 or 5 days I’d been locked in here but it had actually “only” been about 40 hours. I didn’t care that I would be putting dirty clothes back on after taking a shower. Hell, I didn’t even care if the water was cold. It had been at least three days since my last shower. I stayed in there for at least 30 minutes…plus this would be the first time I’d try the women’s deodorant from commissory. The men’s deodorant had eaten away at my armpits; to the point it was hard for me to even lift my hands over my head. Rodney had experimented with the women’s deodorant because the men’s stuff tore his pits up too. I’ve had the women’s stuff on all day and it seems to work…and doesn’t seem to irritate. Too bad the skin of my armpits is completely white still. No telling how long it will take for it to heal…if it heal at all.
I’m feeling kind of energized today because I was told by the public defender’s office that the judge actually received at least one of the letters I wrote him. I just hope he is a reasonable person and can see the logic as to why there is no way I should still be sitting in here watching my life crumble. I can’t lie…I’m so anxiously hoping for a miracle; to somehow just hear I’m being released or that the bond was lowered to $1000 or something. I need to be out of here for not only my well-being, but to get to work on this case and try to piece my life back together; which I can’t even assess the damage yet from in here. I know I can beat this thing; the truth is on my side, but I can do nothing from in here. It is not going to happen as long as I’m here. Public Defender’s have 300-plus cases a piece; there is no way a free lawyer is going to put forth the time and effort it will likely require to get me out of here and clear my name. Still I should not get my hopes up. Last time I started thinking good things were happening, I was crushed back to reality. Don’t think I can handle that kind of disappointment again.
This new kid KD just arrived here today. He’s only 18, looks like he’s 16, and probably has the longest rap sheet of anybody I’ve met in here. He’s facing like 45 years in prison from cases in California and Arizona. He was talking about his exploits as if he was proud of it. He apparently got in trouble for making bombs, then he said he killed a few people with bombs. Rodney and I would joke with him, calling him “the Una-brotha,” obviously a cheesy spin-off to the Unabomber. All I can do is hope for the best for the kid. He said he always wanted to be a writer, so I gave him a blank, new tablet to write on. He’s a smart guy and seems so normal. I just can’t believe he did some of the things he just told me he did. Walter isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. He had been hoping for some sort of Rule 11 exoneration; again, Walter isn’t the brightest man in the world, and they could have found him unfit for trial and given him probation for the petty offenses that landed him here. He now has court again on Sept. 10; a day before his birthday. Just seems like all these people do is try and keep you sitting in jail for as long as possible. But Walt didn’t seem all that disappointed; that or he’s just hiding his feelings. Rodney’s woman sent him pictures and a few letters. She’s cute; thick sister. She’s behind him 100 percent. Man, wish I had something like that…something that can make me feel at least temporarily better each day.
We actually had that prayer circle for the first time since Train was shipped out of here. Not sure what it really did for me though. The Rev was out there again, leading it by himself now without Train. Funny, when you first see this guy and didn’t know him, he’d likely strike you as a big, scary Mexican gangster or something because of how he looks (especially the beard and tattoos). But then as soon as he speaks, your whole perception of him changes; soft-spoken and articulate. We were talking in his cell after prayer circle. I told him his best chance in court is to speak as much as possible. Because, again, his outer shell will cause people to prejudge. If he speaks, people will hear and acknowledge he is a man who screwed up. But it was the news he got today that was the subject du jour. “My daughter was born today, man!” he said aloud, receiving several congratulations from people. She is his first and only child; which caused him to break down a bit. He not only didn’t get to see his daughter born, but may not even get to hold her until around her 8th birthday. “By then, she’ll know some other dude as her father,” he said, with tears in his eyes. Again, he’s another one of those guys who you can’t believe did what he did. Guess everyone’s life is crumbling in here…guess that is what jail is supposed to do.