by Brian A. Wilkins
5/14/2009
This letter corresponds with Wednesday, September 3, 2008. Click here to view the complete “55 Days In Maricopa County Jail” series.
Damn! I’m writing this morning, so that means I woke up again. Soon, I’ll have total control of that though. I think I’ve grown about as thick of a beard as I possibly can. Doesn’t really matter what I look like in here, so why not. And its been at least two months since I’ve had a haircut. I’m even having dreams now that the manifest content is basically telling me to kill myself. That guard Contreras, that everyone drools over, I had a dream she chose my cousin Boo over me; or when other “X” girl chose “Y” dude over me, which I could go on forever with.
Man, these Euro-Arizona cops, prosecutors, and judges are pretty smart though. They are making sure my “nigger ass” has the least opportunity to gather any evidence to prove my innocence (or actually simply cast doubt in these bullshit charges), by keeping me locked in here so time passes and memories fade. Clever little roaches, aren’t they? I have absolutely no control over any of this crap. Again, the only way to make this thing finite is to not wake up. It will be messy, but it will happen soon enough.
I just finished up writing a letter to my mom, which I’ll send to her the day I know I won’t be waking up in here. The first point I made in it is that I do not want a funeral and if she and the family have one for me, they will be disrespecting my final wishes. Plus it is an unnecessary expense. I told her to just post a new blog entry on my website and people can leave messages and pay their respects there. I also have two laptops, a couple cameras, and the rest of my “mojo” (mobile journalist) gear that I designated recipients for. There are about 100 special goodbyes to specific people who I’ve either known forever or people who have come into my life and made a difference recently (lots of ASU professors, radio broadcast co-workers, and my boss from Wells Fargo). And the personal message to my mom is truncated as follows:
“And mom, the woman who gave me life…what can I say? I worked so incredibly hard over the past few years to finally exorcise a demon (depression) that has haunted me for decades; that perma-gloom that has engulfed my life since you and dad divorced when I was 11. I don’t want to take a second child from you, and if I actually did something wrong, I would take the consequences like a man. But when I’m the victim of Euro-Confederate American nigger games, I simply cannot and will not be one of their sacrificial pawns. You and dad raised us so well that even through my rough childhood, I still ended up with a level head. We had an All-American family and I will always cherish those memories. But now my mind and soul have shut down and all that is left of me is enough reflexive movement to write you. I’m too prideful a Nubian; too prideful the son of Sandra and Claude Sr.; too prideful an American to allow inbred Euros to cage me for no reason. I just hope the next generation of Nubian Americans 86s that passive weak MLK approach, and that Iowans exert more of themselves on the country and become the example of what Americans really are. I love you and goodbye.”
So after evening “chow,” these jail people changed the channel on the TV to CNN. It was announced that Alaska governor Sarah Palin will be John McCain’s running mate in the Presidential Election. I knew he would select a woman, as that is the only chance he has against Obama. But Palin? I consider myself kind of a nerd and knowledgeable in politics, but I must say I’ve never heard of Sarah Palin. But I bet her looks will be a hot topic in the campaign, judging from what I saw of her. This kid who calls himself Bamm Bamm made the interesting point that this jail turned the Republican National Convention on today, but did not turn the channel to the Democratic OBAMA convention. Of course this is the John McCain state and the inbred Arpaio county, so of course they’ll show the Republican Convention, but whatever.
I’m praying once again that I do not wake up in the morning, but I know that is too much to ask these gods.